A few weeks ago, I stumbled across something horrifying. No, it wasn't the fake zombie beard and teeth I made for Mr. T last year. It was worse. And the beard was made from his own hair, people. No, my new nightmare fuel became.... sexy Gizmo.
Now, a sexy Gizmo alone is enough to be downright disturbing. Next to the Goldie Hawn-esque gremlin that plagued the second movie, a scintillating mogwi is probably one of the most unsettling things one can conjure. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to even think about in 28 states. But even more frightening is when the sexy Gizmo... is a costume. For women. To attract... ?
A sexy Gizmo costume is the kind of nightmare that makes you get out of bed and turn on all the lights in the house. It's almost as bad as the sexy Elmo and Big Bird costumes that Sesame Street recently sued over. Almost. But, if you do happen to get turned on by puppets and Muppets alike, be my guest. It's not really the sexual escapades of people in costume that bother me... do whatever you want, your freak is your business. Rather, it's the direction that Halloween has taken this year. Naughty Nurse I expect to show up to the party. She's a sexy classic! But when you're droppin' it like it's hot as a Care Bear seductress? Then maybe it really is just National Dress Like a Prostitute Day.
In protest, I am pledging to be nothing but rank and disgusting for the next five Halloweens. Not even an adorable fairy costume. It has to be gross and I'm gonna own it. This year, I chose Hot Garbage. Everyone loves a smoldering bag of garbage on a sunny August day. Sex-ay!
How I made it: First, I ate a banana. And not in a sexy way, because that's the whole point of the costume. I pinned the banana peel to a mini top hat that I made a few years ago. I also pinned on some cellophane and pieces of old envelopes from the recycle bin.
For the dress, I cut the bottom off of a trash bag, then turned it inside-out. Then, I stapled plastic grocery bags around the bottom, overlapping them as I went. Turned it right-side out, and put it on over the shirts I was already wearing. The built-in bag tie was easy to cinch above my bust, and I tied an old scarf around my waist. A bit of cellophane, paper and a cough drop wrapper worked as a little garbage flower at the neckline.
For the shoes, I just stapled old cellophane and old envelope pieces to fabric heels. I also stapled a gum package to a pair of lacy gloves scavenged from our Halloween box. The law of sexed-up costumes says you can't be a naughty anything without a pair of thigh-highs, so I put those on, too. The finishing touch was smears of brown makeup on my face, because the allure of a bag of garbage is the mystery. Oooh, she is downright unsanitary!
Now that's a whole different kind of trashy! At the party, my banana peel turned brown and I successfully grossed out a few kids. A couple of friends thought I was 'white trash', which works, too. Next year? I'm thinking sexy used Q-Tip or naughty hair ball.
What do you think?
Comments
Great minds think alike, only I did that 15+ years ago…. And I forgot to add “sexy” in front. I did it because I was invited to a Halloween party at the last minute and didn’t want to fork out cash for a costume (“where were you then?” I ask!)
One piece of advice if you do decide to dress up as actual trash: don’t attend a party where lots of drinking is happening. Later in the evening I had more than three drunks try to throw out their empties in my costume. Including one guy who poured beer on my head.
Perhaps if I had included the banana peel on my head (awesome touch, btw!) I wouldn’t have gotten my hair washed in beer.
I love this article, Momma!
I thought beer was supposed to be a good hair rinse.